Uppdaterad: 24 feb 2020
I want to share a story with you. A story with the purpose to heal. Heal myself and womanhood.
Because we have been broken. By ourselves and by other powers. False stories about the world and our place in it. False stories about scarcity and the need to compete.
It is time to move beyond this. But to do so, we need to pay attention to our wounds. We need to share them with one another. And help each other heal.
This is my wound, please handle it with care.
To be yourself,
Or not to be yourself.
That is the question.
1998, that year, there was no Facebook. Instead, you could go to the WCs in school to know who you were.
“Sanna is a whore”.
I was 15 years old. I had kissed two boys in my life. Had dated one, for a year. During the last four years, I had climbed the social ladder, from being a "dork" to being one of the "popular" ones. I was beginning to get more attention from boys and also beginning to take up more space in social settings. I was involved in the student's council and was overall becoming more and more self-authoring. I was in a discovery mode of myself. My identity and my femininity. But I was about to be banished, by my closest friends. Ostracised.
The bullying peaked during a school trip to France. 2730 km away from home, on top of a mountain called Ballon D’Alsace, the poisonous rumours infiltrated my new friendships with pupils from a different school.
“Sanna is a slut”. “Sanna is a lousy girlfriend”.
Sanna was not someone you wanted to be connected to.
Piece by piece, they had cut my wings during the last months. Now they cut the final piece.
I cracked open. I was an open wound.
I am the last one to enter the room. A yellow room with a dark green floor and wood panels on the walls. To the left I can see my teachers, sitting on a table. With my consent, they have called for this meeting to solve the situation.
Alongside the walls, the girls from my school are sitting. I can count to about 15 of them.
And every one shall soon, in turn, have their say.
Share their feelings and reasons for why I deserve the treatment I’ve been put through the last months.
I am seated in the middle of the room, together with my newfound friend and rock, Mia. Civil courage embodied.
She holds my hand.
We are surrounded. By a tribunal.
I am 15 years old and sharing my open wound. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. This is me. Naked. This is what it feels like to be a banished, curtailed and demolished Sanna.
Then the turn goes to the tribunal. One by one, they share their feelings and reasons for the bullying. Some of them are crying. Some are looking at their feet. Some are looking straight at me.
What hurts and astounds me is that everyone has something to share. Everyone thinks that I have only gotten what I deserve. The ostracism. The rumours. The degradation.
I have annoyed everyone just by being me.
The events on the mountain top, the teacher’s solution to them and my ability to show up in my vulnerability, actually made things better. My school mates left me alone, and my new friends wanted to hang out with me again. I regained some value.
But this whole episode of being ostracised scarred me deeply. The exploration of my true self was set on pause. I encapsulated my light and hid behind a happy, likeable and pleasing mask. My need to be loved by others was bigger than loving myself. It led to depression and therapy a few years later.
Another part that was scarred was my trust in other girls. For several years afterwards, I would get worried just by noticing someone whispering.
Today I am grateful for this episode of my life. I was taught the power of vulnerability at a very early age. But I feel sorrow over the fact that it took me 20 years to come back to the exploration of my true self again. For 20 years, I shut down my feminine essence in favour of my masculine. I devalued the feminine, partly from experiencing what it might trigger in others. And I just wanted to be loved. Who doesn’t?
But 20 years later, I was invited to a journey that has completely transformed my life. I was invited to discover the feminine, together with other women. For the first time in my life, I've experienced true sisterhood. And wow, what a healing power it holds.
We are not each other’s competitors. That is just a story to hold us down. Because a woman who stands firm in her feminine energy, she holds a lot of power. And together, in loving connection, we are a real force. A force of life.
My dear fellow women. We are needed. Today more than ever.
The world needs us to step up. To step up with a leadership that serves the whole.
Today, I am surrounded by a new big tribe of women. Women who know that we all gain by strengthening and cheering for each other. We practice radical honesty, even when we get triggered by one another. We take responsibility for our triggered emotions by sharing them with the one it concerns, instead of talking behind someone's back. I am so grateful for these new ways of authentic relating. I am thankful for these challenging conversations because they help us grow and heal the collective wounds of womanhood.
So I ask of you dear sisters, strengthen the light in each other instead of blowing it out because you are scared of it. Act from love instead of fear. By strengthening one woman's light, you strengthen us all. Men included.
With love and light,
Are you curious to learn more about the feminine essence, leadership and the feminine movement? Here are some tips:
Podcast: https://rewildingforwomen.com (and inspiring Instagram)
Websites and great read:
Curious about my journey from feminist to a feminine leader? Read it here!
https://risingwoman.com (also on instagram) (don’t miss this 👉 https://risingwoman.com/4-archetypes-of-the-female-cycle/)
"The Call - Why a Juicy, Empowered and Inner-Directed Feminine Leadership is the next step for moving into the new organizational paradigm on a large scale", Fanny Norlin and Lovisa Alsen (Hell Yes!)
Courses and retreats: https://lovisaalsen.com
http://nordicwomensgathering.com (in June in Sthlm!)
“Vagina”, Naomi Wolf (a good read for men too!)
Mia Ohki: https://www.miaohki.com